Before my spiritual awakening, I was always trying to feel loved through relationship. And
when I was 28, I fell in love with a woman who subsequently left me soon after.
I was particularly attached to this lady and I was absolutely devastated. For two weeks I
was a mess. Hardly functional. I spent most of the time in meditation or walking on the
The pain was incredibly intense, but strangely intoxicating at the same time. The intensity
was so strong, it felt like it would break me. So for the most part, all I could do was sit and
allow the intensity to be there, leaving my body incredibly sore.
I had a phone session with someone today and was talking about this.
She was saying how she knew it was all a win-win situation. That if she got what she
wanted, she was blissful. And if she didn't get what she wanted, it would break her ego,
and in that, she would become more free. She said that she knew this in intellect, but in
life, it wasn't much fun!
And I was saying that one day, she will welcome the times when her ego gets shattered
like this. Because such a time is incredibly blissful, it is a spiritual awakening experience
in itself. The pain is only there because of your attachment to that identity, about having
things a certain way. But the more you remain unattached to this individual ego, the more
you are free to enjoy the bliss of those shattering moments, the feeling of being utterly
vulnerable and alone is actually blissful.
But when my girlfriend left me, although I did recognize the intoxication, the intensity of
emotion was almost unbearable. To surrender to the fact that I could not control the
situation, could not get out of the situation felt excruciating. I could not justify my insanity
and I could not reason with it.
Every moment was intense pain. But when I could fully accept that pain, there was the
intoxication, there was peace. But to have that every waking moment was incredibly
intense. There were the times of yelling "enough, enough. I can't take it anymore!" and yet
the emotional pain continued. I was really a mess!
So a lot of things happened in those two weeks. There was a moment or two where I felt
free of it all and danced and danced. Then soon after the suffering was back full force like
a huge weight on top of me.
But then after 13 days of this, there was a huge explosion.
I will simply paste what I wrote at the time of my spiritual awakening experience:
"Sunday May 27. I was writing my novel when I realized I didn’t have it in
me to write anymore in that moment. I went downstairs with a blanket and
sat for four hours. With intense focus I made myself stick to being present
completely remaining unidentified with my thoughts so that they would come
and go again. I did my best to remain locked in being. That evening I
walked on the beach with the clarity that I was not my thoughts, that I was
this being. There was intoxication yet I felt let down. That if this being was
all that there is then it’s all pretty disappointing.
MONDAY MAY 28 I ran errands. I felt quite focused on the Self throughout
the day. I came home around lunch. Had a bite to eat and since it was a
sunny day for once, Saniel (my little dog) and I had a walk on the beach.
While we were walking I saw my ex-girlfriend also walking on the beach
with another man.
There was an intense emotional reaction to that from inside me but I was able to allow
those feelings instead of get caught up in them. The intensity of emotion took over my
body yet I did not label it or judge it. I just let it be and surrendered to it. I was able to
allow it without trying to justify it or analyze the situation. And as I did this the feeling
By the time I got home I was shaking with this intensity. I sat down on the couch,
unable to do anything, unable to even see clearly. I closed my eyes. I sat and let this
emotional intensity be. My body became so relaxed that it seemed as though it was
was drugged for an operation. I could not move. Thousands of thoughts, visions and
dreams arose and burned away. I was not doing any of it, was not thinking any of it, it
was all happening. I remained as consciousness, watching this whole process. I was
This consciousness was like an intense explosive fire. The thoughts and visions
would arise at immense speed in consciousness and then immediately burn away in
At some point, it was clear that the intensity of the emotions was nothing other than the
intensity of consciousness. The illusion of the two merged into one. This went on for I
don’t know, an hour or two or maybe more.
When I finally could open my eyes the power of consciousness was dominant like a
force stronger than anything imaginable. The thinking “I” was far away, still making
noise and a lot of noise at the new change, but it was not me at all. These little noises
bursted into nothing in this fire of consciousness.
I stood up and looked over towards the kitchen. And in that moment looking at the
clock on the wall, I realized that I was consciousness, that I had always been
consciousness, that there never was anything but consciousness all along. It was all
It was like a line was drawn in time. Up until that moment, my life was a suffering but
suddenly everything had changed. It was not an experience but more of a shift that
happened in awareness. The perception that I was only an individual body-mind
separate from everything else was broken. Yet at the same time I could see I always
was consciousness. I had never been anything but consciousness. There had never
been anything but consciousness.
I laughed and cried at the same time. This force blew through me as this present
moment, which I was. I was completely free. I was bliss. I was Shiva Allah Buddha. I
was love itself. I danced with an intoxication similar to experience of being on LSD.
Except this was pure and more consuming.
Consciousness wanted dancing and there was dancing. It was me yet it was not me
dancing at the same time. I had no control over the movement. There was laughing
and crying. I listened to two dance pieces over and over my bliss increased past the
point where I thought I could take it.
I called Leslie (my teacher). I could not stop laughing and crying. The energy was so
strong I couldn’t keep still. There was absolute freedom, yet I saw that nothing ever
was but freedom. That I had been this consciousness all along. That suffering was no
different to ecstasy. The only difference was a resistance that was imposed by an
illusory whining, call it an ego for lack of a better word.
There is no suffering. Suffering is just a resistance to what is. There was nothing more
to get of do or want. Desire was gone. This force of consciousness overpowered
Tuesday May 29 At home I sat quietly with Saniel by the fire and this consciousness
was right there. As I was still, the feeling of it came back with a compelling force. I
went outside. I walked back and forth on my porch full of peace. I wasn’t really
walking. I didn’t choose to walk. Consciousness just powered and led the form around
and it was blissful. I went back inside.
Again the realization that I am consciousness, bliss smashed through me and as me
like a nuclear bomb. I danced and laughed and cried yet it was not me doing these
things. I watched everything as everything, the force of god blasting through me and as
me. I am god I am consciousness I am Shiva I am Allah I am Buddha I am truth I am
bliss I am love. I was so free and full of love. I was everything.
I ate blissfully. I did my dishes and realized nothing had ever felt so incredibly blissful
as washing those dishes.
Wednesday May 30, Consciousness is. There is a constant commentating in the form
of thought and voice inside me. It rambles on by itself. I am irrevocably forced into this
moment and as this moment. It makes my hands shake when I am still, as though an
electrical current is flowing through my circuits at too high of a voltage.
As I walked on the beach this emotional intensity turned again to the realization that I
am consciousness, god, love. Driving home from the beach my heart exploded in
unfathomable peace. By the time I got home I was lost in this experience of being love
and peace itself. This feeling of absolute love was beyond anything imaginable, words
cannot describe the beauty and immensity of love itself. Again I was reduced to tears
and laughter. I sat by the fire unable to move, lost in this love."
This spiritual awakening experience continued every night for about two weeks. Every
night this same exploding fire, revealing more and more beautiful states of peace, love
Eventually, the big highs mellowed, but there was a permanent change. I could no longer
pretend that I was this personal "I" with control, desire and fear. Kip was simply whatever
was arising as thought, as physical. But it was there on it's own. I could step into it, but
could not dramatize it as reality. it was part of my experience, I was not separate from it,
but I existed beyond it as consciousness at the same time. There were times of intense
emotion, but they were no longer me.
For the most part, I was constantly in and as this fire of consciousness, constantly burning
away the sense of separate me. I was serving consciousness itself rather than the illusion
of desires, the illusion that something outside of myself would complete me.
This was a huge shift, but it took a while to realize that this was only the beginning. I still
rest in this fire of consciousness. The "Advaita Teenage years" as I call them, the time
when you think you know it all are gone. In fact, I know nothing. Knowledge arises but it is
There is a waterfall of energy rushing through me but it is the normal experience now. The
personalities of me that arise by themselves are not always what you would judge as
saintly, there is no plastic smile on my face. Everything simply is. Judgment is false.
There is a contentment, no longer searching here or there but just resting as this moment.
I am at the feet of yet not separate from this presence, this constant rush of energy,
constantly surrendering more and more. Always exploring energetically how I can transmit
this radiance through music so that others experience the same bliss while meditating to