Spiritual Experiences of Enlightenment & Self Realization

Spiritual Awakening

I was always trying to feel loved through relationship.  And when I was 28, I fell in love with a woman who subsequently left me soon after.  

I was particularly attached to this lady and I was absolutely devastated.   For two weeks I was a mess.  Hardly functional. Spent most of the time in meditation or walking on the beach.

The pain was incredibly intense, but strangely intoxicating at the same time.  The intensity was so strong, it felt like it would break me.  So for the most part, all I could do was sit and allow the intenstiy to be there, leaving my body incredibly sore.

I had a phone session with someone today and was talking about this.  

She was saying how she knew it was all a win-win situation.  That if she got what she wanted, she was blissful.  And if she didn't get what she wanted, it would break her ego, and in that, she would become more free.  She said that she knew this in intellect, but in life, it wasn't much fun!

And I was saying that one day, she will welcome the times when her ego get's shattered like this.  Because such a time is incredibly blissful.  The pain is only there because of your attachment to that identity, about having things a certain way.  But the more you remain unattached to this individual ego, the more you are free to enjoy the bliss of those shattering moments, the feeling of being utterly vulnerable and alone is actually blissful.  

But when my girlfriend left me, although I did recognize the intoxication, the intensity of emotion was almost unbearable.   To surrender to the fact that I could not control the situation, could not get out of the situation.  I could not justify my insanity and I could not reason with it.  

Every moment was intense pain.  To accept that, there was the intoxication.  But to have that every waking moment.  There were the times of yelling "enough, enough.  I can't take it anymore!" and yet the emotional pain continued.  I was really a mess!

So a lot of things happened in those two weeks.  There was a moment or two where I felt free of it all and danced and danced.  Then soon after the suffering was back full force.

But then after 13 days of this, there was a huge explosion.

I will simply paste what I wrote at the time:

"Sunday May 27.  I was writing my novel when I realized I didn’t have it in me to write anymore in that moment.  I went downstairs with a blanket and sat for three and a half to four hours.  With intense focus I made myself stick to being present completely disidentifying with my thoughts so that they would come and go again.  I did my best to remain locked in being.  That evening I walked on the beach with the clarity that I was not my thoughts, that I was this being.  There was intoxication yet I felt let down.  That if this being was all that there is than it’s all pretty disappointing. 

MONDAY MAY 28  I ran errands.  I felt quite focused on the self throughout the day.  I came home around lunch.  Had a bite to eat and since it was a sunny day for once, Saniel (my little dog) and I had a walk on the beach.  I saw my ex-girfriend  on the beach with someone else.  She tried to avoid me like I didn’t see her.  

The intensity of emotion took over my body yet I did not label it or judge it.  I just let it be and surrendered to it.  I was able to allow it without trying to justify it or analyze the situation.

By the time I got home I was shaking with this intensity.  I sat down on the couch, unable to do anything, unable to even see clearly.  I sat and let this emotional intensity be.  My body became so drugged that it seemed as though it was numb and completely immobile.   I could not move.  Millions of thoughts, visions and dreams arose and burned away.  I remained as consciousness, watching this whole process.  I was wide-awake.  

This consciousness was like an intense explosive fire that the thoughts burned away in.  That thoughts and visions would arise at immense speed in consciousness and then immediately burn away in this fire. 

The intensity of the emotions was nothing other than the intensity of consciousness.  The illusion of the two blended into one.  This went on for I don’t know, an hour or two or maybe more. 

When I finally could open my eyes the power of consciousness was dominant like a force stronger than anything imaginable.  The thinking “I” was far away, still making noise and a lot of noise at the new change, but it was not me at all.  These little noises bursted into nothing in this fire of consciousness.  

I stood up and looked over towards the kitchen.  And in that moment looking at the clock on the wall, I realized that I was consciousness, that I had always been consciousness, that there never was anything but consciousness all along.  It was all consciousness.

I laughed and cried at the same time.  This force blew through me as this present moment, which I was.  I was completely free.   I was bliss.  I was Shiva Allah Buddha.  I was love itself.  I danced with an intoxication similar to experience of being on LSD.  Except this was pure and more consuming.  

Consciousness wanted dancing and there was dancing.  It was me yet it was not me dancing at the same time.  I had no control over the movement.  There was laughing and crying.  I listened to two dance pieces over and over my bliss increasing past the point where I thought I could take it.

I called Leslie (my teacher).  I could not stop laughing and crying.  The energetic was so strong I couldn’t keep still.  There was absolute freedom, yet I saw that nothing ever was but freedom.  That I had been this consciousness all along.  That suffering was no different to ecstasy.  The only difference was a resistance that was imposed by an illusory whining, call it an ego for lack of a better word.  

There is no suffering.  Suffering is just a resistance to what is.  There was nothing more to get of do or want.  Desire was gone.  This force of consciousness overpowered everything.  

Tuesday May 29 At home I sat quietly with Saniel by the fire and this consciousness was right there.  As I was still, the feeling of it came back with a compelling force.  I went outside.  I walked back and forth on my porch full of peace.  I wasn’t really walking.  I didn’t choose to walk.  Consciousness just powered and led the form around and it was blissful.  I went back inside.  

Again the realization that I am consciousness, bliss smashed through me and as me like a nuclear bomb.  I danced and laughed and cried yet it was not me doing these things.  I watched everything as everything, the force of god blasting through me and as me.  I am god I am consciousness I am Shiva I am Allah I am Buddha  I am truth I am bliss I am love.  I was so free and full of love.  I was everything.

I ate blissfully.  I did my dishes and nothing had ever seemed so incredibly blissful as washing those dishes.

Wednesday May 30, Consciousness is.  There is a constant commentating in the form of thought and voice inside me.  It rambles on by itself.  I am irrevocably forced into this moment and as this moment.  It makes my hands shake when I am still, as though an electrical current is flowing through my circuits at too high of a voltage. 

As I walked on the beach this emotional intensity turned again to the realization that I am consciousness, god, love.  Driving home from the beach my heart exploded in an unfathomable peace.  By the time I got home I was lost in this experience of being love and peace itself.  This feeling of absolute love was beyond anything imaginable, words cannot describe the beauty and immensity of love itself.  Again I was reduced to tears and laughter.  I sat by the fire unable to move, lost in this love."

 

 

This continued every night for about two weeks.  Every night this same exploding fire, revealing more and more beautiful states of peace, love and bliss.

Eventually, the big highs mellowed, but there was a permanant change.  I could no longer pretend to myself that I was this personal "I" with control, desire and fear.   Kip was simply whatever was arising as thought, as physical.  But it was there on it's own.  I could step into it, but could not dramatize it.  There were times of intense emotion, but they were no longer me.  

 For the most part, I was constantly in and as this fire of consciousness, constantly burning away the individual untruth.  I was serving consciousness itself rather than the illusion of desires,  that something outside of myself would complete me.

This was a huge shift, but it took a while to realize that this was only the beginning.  I still rest in this fire of consciousness.   The "Advaita Teenage years" as I call them, the time when you think you know it all are gone.  In fact, I know nothing.  Knowledge arises but it is not mine.

There is a waterfall of energy rushing through me but it is the normal experience now.  The personalities that arise by themselves are not always what you would judge as saintly, there is no plastic smile on my face.  Everything simply is as it is.  Judgment is false.  There is a contentment, no longer searching here or there but just resting as this moment.

I am at the feet of yet not separate from this presence, this constant rush of energy, constantly surrendering more and more.  Always exploring energetically how I can give you this on an audio CD.

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